To cry and to smile

I envy those who can cry whenever they feel like crying.
For some people, sometimes they feel like crying but they just can't!
They forgot how to cry.
This is because long time they didn't cry, or whenever they feel like crying, they control it, they endure the feeling, they don't want to break down in front of others and even in front of themselves. The long term effect of this is their tear gland is blocked and when come to the time when they really want to cry, they can't cry. The feeling is more painful than when you are crying.

Recently, many things happened. And I have the strong feeling to cry when those things happened, but my tears didn't manage to flow out from my eyes.
A 14 year old little girl in my church had a brain tumor grow between her dorsal brain and spinal cord and undergone a major surgery to remove the tumor last saturday. The risk of doing this surgery is Very High! Imagine the brain...and the spinal cord. The whole church was praying for her. Some even fast for her. Everyone was worried about her although most of us don't know who is her (I don't even see her before, or seen her but don't know that is her).
The operation was 100% successful!
I was so touched and i almost cry when Rev Yeoh annonce that, I really use my 'strengh' to control and stop that feeling of crying cause I don't want to break down in front of so many people and I cant stop myself from praising God in my heart that time. Even if the result is 90% successful is enough for most of the people to cry(to be touched), but it is not 90, is 100! How great is our God!
Next, There was a day when I talked to Sherlyn in msn and her words made me wanna cry(no, she didn't bully me), I controlled that also.
There were few other cases which makes me feel like crying but I didn't cry until now.
I don't know, maybe I will feel better if I break down for once, but I have forgotten how to cry, and I don't want to see my teary face, I don't know how to face that.

Smile is a universal language/symbol where everyone can understand.
I would say that smile is a universal way for people to disguise or hide their internal feeling.
And people say, smile always. I would say that is bullshit in the sense that we smile or laugh even though sometimes we don't feel like smiling. We smile to please others, we smile because we know others like it. And we are used to it.
Always, we look ok outwardly but we are actually not internally, we hide it by smiling and laughing along with others.

Life didn't get better no matter we smile or we cry. Yea, we can't choose the situation in our life, but we can choose the way to face it. We can be depressed and cry with it or laugh along with it, but no matter how, our inside feeling is the same. We are running away from our problem. Sometimes we should not cry or smile, instead we must take out initiative to solve the problem, to get rid of it from our life so that we can have a Real Smile in our face. I admit that I can't do that, most of the time, and since I can't cry, so the only choice for me is to laugh along with it, the feeling is actually as painful as when you cry along with it. To be more accurate, is actually more painful.

Things come and go. But recently, 1 things come before another go. I am tired of it, I really need a break.

God, please lead me through this, I know that you will not solve 90% of my problem, but 100! Yea, 100%! I have 100% faith on that.